Dear Todd (We have a Teenager)

September 30th, 2016 Dear Todd, Let me preface by saying, "I know you were up super late and working hard so my reference to you sleeping while all the things mentioned below happened is not a 'dig.'" BUT While you were sleeping this am between the hrs of 6-9...all this happened.... Got up and put the trash and recycling on the curb. Got the kids up and we all went into the basement and did Yoga...even Petey who eventually had to be kenneled because he kept straddling us and licking our eyeballs. It was very meditative. The kids then ran upstairs and got dressed for school while I let Petey out and fed him while only burning some of the pancakes on the stove. Kids ate, soccer gear was thrown into a bag for later, and I threw on a sweater over my PJ's, swapped out jeans for my bottoms and backed out of the garage with child numero uno. We drove across town discussing the absurdity of the debate the other night and I promptly kicked him to the curb a...

September 29th, 2016 Dear Todd, Our 5th grader is getting ready for her trip to Eco Week; a special 5th grade camping experience that has given her night sweats, hives, and endless questions---determined to be extremely prepared for something she has never done before. As the weeks passed and more and more info was released, she began to get excited...not to go, but to PACK! So we have begun packing...2 weeks in advance. We recently acquired a label-maker, which I have learned is the most fun one can have when packing kids for any "camp" activity. So we jumped in! Endlessly printing out our last name, cutting off individual labels and attaching them to a pink duffel, a purple pillow, pink sunglasses, multi-colored towel and wash cloth. (She is super excited about the group shower scenario, btw. I'm pretty sure that's directly responsible for the night sweats). And as we start applying the labels, our 12.75 yr old has begun printing some of his own.  One proc...

September 28th, 2016 Our dog Petey:  He's sitting in the kennel, with me. Why? Why is he in here with me? Why are we both not out in the great big world? Whether that be our living room, backyard, neighborhood, or dog park. Why are we both in this kennel? We can't even play in here. We can't even sleep comfortably.  And everybody is home.  It's not like you all went out and I climbed in here to take a nap. And he lured me in with a treat. What's his excuse? Why is he in here? WHY?!? What we hear: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! Woof! Awwoooof! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! Me: (upon finding the source of barking and giggling while opening the locked kennel) What the?!? WHY?!?! A: (Laughing still) I don't know.

September 27th, 2016 I just realized that the title of this entry used to mean something TOTALLY different than where I'm headed today. In my 20's...it was a lot of fun. In my 30's...it mostly spoke to loaded diapers on small, sticky bottoms. Now, in my 40's, I'm referring to the act of our eldest child and his younger brother stuffing their pajama bottoms with a large bath towel. Most likely the one they used after showering, 45 minutes later than they were supposed to. Shower. Not stuff their pj's. There really is no appropriate time frame for that. Ever. Anyway, once I no longer heard the sound of water running, I made my way upstairs to reiterate the importance of going to bed almost an hour ago, only to find aggressive Towel-Tush-Twerking. Imagine Kim Kardashian's butt on a scrawny twelve year old boy who has somehow figured out how to....well, to quote, my side-by-side thrusting 9yr old, "Bounce that booty like a basketball." Th...

September 26th, 2016 Dear Todd, While shuttling the kids from soccer, to hip hop, to lunch to fishing I couldn’t help catching the sounds from the back seat of the car. It was a male voice, which did not belong to anyone in our family, ranting about his decisions. I can’t tell you, how lucky I felt to have yet another voice, not one of our 5, blabbing about some sort of nonsense. Cuz really you can never have too many voices in your head. It was coming from our eldest’s Kindle Fire. Me: What are you watching? A: A Bowl of Fruit talking about car soccer. I was scared to ask again. I was afraid that I may have just had a stroke. Or he did. But, I had to ask.  Me: What? A: It’s A Bowl of Fruit talking about car soccer. Just then a kid ran out in front of me on his bike and I hit the brakes, nonchalantly saving his life, causing me to feel even more frustrated with the world and the words coming out of our eldest’s mouth. Me: Oh my God.You have to...

September 22, 2016 Dear Todd, I am writing to tell you that we have a teenager. Rest assurred that in the midst of my own mental deteriation I have not forgotten his birthday. I know that technically, we have another 2 months until his 13th trip around the sun has come to completion...but he is already showing signs. So I have decided to begin documentation. I think it's gonna be a good time, if he can just keep himself alive. And to that effect, I call upon the Gods of Brains with this plea. Oh Mighty Gods Of Wisdom that is Teen, Please put down your iPhone 7's, And all that comes in form of screen. Please look upon those Whom, like a sponge, absorb our changing world But without really thinking, try to process With emotions that come unfurled Let him always choose To look both ways Focus on what he loves And get straight A's? All right, the grades would be An extra perk But, please just let him Understand hard work And let him choose wisely Whe...