January 22nd, 2017
Dear Todd,
I am longing to communicate and have never felt so stifled by the deconstruction of language.
So...I'm gonna apologize first as I begin to write without it....
Firstly...I'm ubertastically overwhelmed and in awe of the marches that took place around the world standing up for what people want for their/our country. Restores faith in mankind. GRATEFUL FOR WHERE WE LIVE AND THE OTHER COUNTRIES THAT UNITED.
On a smaller, more intimate scale, I'm also greatfullytastic about the moment in which Viggo Mortensen edjumacated our two youngest on the topic of sex ed. True story. It was a brief moment in the movie Captain Fantastic when one of his kid's asks and he answers (just as our two youngest enter the room) "The boy puts his penis in the girl's vagina and sperm comes out and fertilizes an egg and that is how babies are made." Bigly informative.
Our children's eyeballs stretched out beyond the surface of their faces and smacked me across mine. With mouths agape, they searched my face for a signal of "true or false." So I responded.
"Well. Now you know. You'll be very prepared for health class." Thank you Viggo. Check that talk off my list. Cuz I now have an infinite number of talks I did not anticipate heading my way in the next 4 years.
OH MY GAWD I MUST INTERRUPT MYSELF TO SHARE THE KNOWLEDGE THAT OUR SON IS DOING SCIENCE HOMEWORK THAT INVOLVES DIFFERENT HIGH PITCHED TONES FILLING THE KITCHEN. AND HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO QUESTION WHY IT IS MAKING ME INSANE.
Anyway...I'm hoping Viggo can perhaps reinstate the rules and conventions of academic writing just as well so that whatever happens to our education or the world's perception of our intellect can be salvaged by a Hollywood Celebrity, per usual.
I really don't know what to say anymore. I'm loving the tactic of alternative facts however. Cuz that is just gonna make teen parenting a shit ton funner. (It hurts, but I did write "funner" on purpose.)
I don't know which is going to be more fun the "alternative facts" that we will get from our children or the ones we will choose to throw at them just to lower to their level. Gone are the days of going "high" when they go low....expecially (I did it again. Oh it hurts) if they start to think it's "Hi" instead of -------because OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE INTELLIGENCE IN THIS COUNTRY?! I am not claiming to be the sharpest crayon in the box, but it makes my brain physically hurt to hear some of the things coming out of high-paid, supposed to be respected professionals.
AND CAN THAT DAMN RINGING SOUND PLEASE STOP?!
I'm not graceful, or classy, or poised these days. No part of me wants to address teen and tween moods/hormones in addition to LARGE SCALE ALTERNATIVE FACTS. It's exhausting.
It's like this:
"Oh, Sweetie. It's okay. Boys will tease you and pick on you because they want your attention. It doesn't mean they really don't like you."
"Then why don't they just say 'Hi' or talk about other things instead of teasing?"
"Because their friends will tease them for being nice to you because it will prove that they like you."
"Ugh. Does this still happen when you are older?'
"No, Sweetie. Older boys, even men who rule the country will just try to grab you by the----wait...they will, but they will say they didn't, but then they will say it was all in good fun, but then you will wonder if you live in an alternative universe and the answer is you do. We all do."
"Wait Mom. What? By the what?!"
"Think of the place you would least like to be grabbed."
"He did that?!?"
"It was locker room talk."
"Why do they talk like that in locker rooms?"
"They don't."
"What? Well...if they do talk like that, they are probably the people who think guns are a good idea too."
"No, Sweetie. Nobody thinks guns are a good idea unless you live near bears. But, turns out everyone lives near bears so...."
"What?!"
"Yup."
"No, I'm confused."
"Welcome."
Dear Todd,
I am longing to communicate and have never felt so stifled by the deconstruction of language.
So...I'm gonna apologize first as I begin to write without it....
Firstly...I'm ubertastically overwhelmed and in awe of the marches that took place around the world standing up for what people want for their/our country. Restores faith in mankind. GRATEFUL FOR WHERE WE LIVE AND THE OTHER COUNTRIES THAT UNITED.
On a smaller, more intimate scale, I'm also greatfullytastic about the moment in which Viggo Mortensen edjumacated our two youngest on the topic of sex ed. True story. It was a brief moment in the movie Captain Fantastic when one of his kid's asks and he answers (just as our two youngest enter the room) "The boy puts his penis in the girl's vagina and sperm comes out and fertilizes an egg and that is how babies are made." Bigly informative.
Our children's eyeballs stretched out beyond the surface of their faces and smacked me across mine. With mouths agape, they searched my face for a signal of "true or false." So I responded.
"Well. Now you know. You'll be very prepared for health class." Thank you Viggo. Check that talk off my list. Cuz I now have an infinite number of talks I did not anticipate heading my way in the next 4 years.
OH MY GAWD I MUST INTERRUPT MYSELF TO SHARE THE KNOWLEDGE THAT OUR SON IS DOING SCIENCE HOMEWORK THAT INVOLVES DIFFERENT HIGH PITCHED TONES FILLING THE KITCHEN. AND HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO QUESTION WHY IT IS MAKING ME INSANE.
Anyway...I'm hoping Viggo can perhaps reinstate the rules and conventions of academic writing just as well so that whatever happens to our education or the world's perception of our intellect can be salvaged by a Hollywood Celebrity, per usual.
I really don't know what to say anymore. I'm loving the tactic of alternative facts however. Cuz that is just gonna make teen parenting a shit ton funner. (It hurts, but I did write "funner" on purpose.)
I don't know which is going to be more fun the "alternative facts" that we will get from our children or the ones we will choose to throw at them just to lower to their level. Gone are the days of going "high" when they go low....expecially (I did it again. Oh it hurts) if they start to think it's "Hi" instead of -------because OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE INTELLIGENCE IN THIS COUNTRY?! I am not claiming to be the sharpest crayon in the box, but it makes my brain physically hurt to hear some of the things coming out of high-paid, supposed to be respected professionals.
AND CAN THAT DAMN RINGING SOUND PLEASE STOP?!
I'm not graceful, or classy, or poised these days. No part of me wants to address teen and tween moods/hormones in addition to LARGE SCALE ALTERNATIVE FACTS. It's exhausting.
It's like this:
"Oh, Sweetie. It's okay. Boys will tease you and pick on you because they want your attention. It doesn't mean they really don't like you."
"Then why don't they just say 'Hi' or talk about other things instead of teasing?"
"Because their friends will tease them for being nice to you because it will prove that they like you."
"Ugh. Does this still happen when you are older?'
"No, Sweetie. Older boys, even men who rule the country will just try to grab you by the----wait...they will, but they will say they didn't, but then they will say it was all in good fun, but then you will wonder if you live in an alternative universe and the answer is you do. We all do."
"Wait Mom. What? By the what?!"
"Think of the place you would least like to be grabbed."
"He did that?!?"
"It was locker room talk."
"Why do they talk like that in locker rooms?"
"They don't."
"What? Well...if they do talk like that, they are probably the people who think guns are a good idea too."
"No, Sweetie. Nobody thinks guns are a good idea unless you live near bears. But, turns out everyone lives near bears so...."
"What?!"
"Yup."
"No, I'm confused."
"Welcome."
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