December 14th, 2016
Dear Todd,
We went to see the Budweiser Clydesdales yesterday. It was cool. They are seriously large horses--like Tyranahorses. Pretty sure that's what they're called. Pretty sure. And if I call them that enough, it will stick and they will be known as the Budweiser Tyranahorse, because we are living in a world where we can say whatever the f**k we want and not only will there be no consequence, but the word will be added to Webster's top Fab Five Fictious Phenomenons.
But I digress...
So we saw the horses. And as we were making our way back past them for the second time--aka "our farewell tour"--practicing our parade waves---one of our children shrieked and proceeded to shame Eric, the Clydesdale. It would appear that Eric was giving me yet another teaching moment wherein I could explain the origin and meaning of the expression, "Hung like a horse."
And so, I'd like to say,
"Thank you, Eric. I really don't get these opportunities often enough. And one can never be certain when such moments will occur. One tries, but it's always a surprise. I had prepared, in the far back dusty region of my brain, some 'go-tos' on fire safety in case we went to the bonfire. But, large horse penises were not on my radar. They are now. Thanks."
"It happened when I was walking past him!" Our daughter exclaimed, simply identifying the scene of the crime.
"No," our 13yr old countered, "It was like that when I walked by first."
I couldn't stay quiet. "Are you actually competeing as to who the horse 'like-liked' more?"
"NO!" they shrieked with laughter.
Our daughter added, "I thought maybe he just had to go to the bathroom!"
"Maybe he did. I wasn't paying that close of attention. Shall we ask Eric? Like the Magic 8 Ball...Do you like my son or daughter more or were you just peeing?"
"MOM?!" They snapped.
"Let's go guys...let's go see something else," I said trying to shift focus.
And then, as if to say "Show's Over!" our youngest exclaimed, "Look! It's going up! Like an elevator into his body!" And then made that swizzle sound of something "going up."
"It's not going that fast though," our 13 yr old observed.
"We don't need to sit and wait for it. We can go," I reminded them. "When we get into the car I'll show you these guys on TV."
"Wait. They are on TV?" our youngest inquired.
"Yup."
"Doing what?"
"Porn."
"What?!?!"
"Beer commercials. Budweiser beer commercials. Let's go."
Dear Todd,
We went to see the Budweiser Clydesdales yesterday. It was cool. They are seriously large horses--like Tyranahorses. Pretty sure that's what they're called. Pretty sure. And if I call them that enough, it will stick and they will be known as the Budweiser Tyranahorse, because we are living in a world where we can say whatever the f**k we want and not only will there be no consequence, but the word will be added to Webster's top Fab Five Fictious Phenomenons.
But I digress...
So we saw the horses. And as we were making our way back past them for the second time--aka "our farewell tour"--practicing our parade waves---one of our children shrieked and proceeded to shame Eric, the Clydesdale. It would appear that Eric was giving me yet another teaching moment wherein I could explain the origin and meaning of the expression, "Hung like a horse."
And so, I'd like to say,
"Thank you, Eric. I really don't get these opportunities often enough. And one can never be certain when such moments will occur. One tries, but it's always a surprise. I had prepared, in the far back dusty region of my brain, some 'go-tos' on fire safety in case we went to the bonfire. But, large horse penises were not on my radar. They are now. Thanks."
"It happened when I was walking past him!" Our daughter exclaimed, simply identifying the scene of the crime.
"No," our 13yr old countered, "It was like that when I walked by first."
I couldn't stay quiet. "Are you actually competeing as to who the horse 'like-liked' more?"
"NO!" they shrieked with laughter.
Our daughter added, "I thought maybe he just had to go to the bathroom!"
"Maybe he did. I wasn't paying that close of attention. Shall we ask Eric? Like the Magic 8 Ball...Do you like my son or daughter more or were you just peeing?"
"MOM?!" They snapped.
"Let's go guys...let's go see something else," I said trying to shift focus.
And then, as if to say "Show's Over!" our youngest exclaimed, "Look! It's going up! Like an elevator into his body!" And then made that swizzle sound of something "going up."
"It's not going that fast though," our 13 yr old observed.
"We don't need to sit and wait for it. We can go," I reminded them. "When we get into the car I'll show you these guys on TV."
"Wait. They are on TV?" our youngest inquired.
"Yup."
"Doing what?"
"Porn."
"What?!?!"
"Beer commercials. Budweiser beer commercials. Let's go."
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