Skip to main content

Busy since BC

Dear Todd,

My 30’s were a blur of wiping noses and bottoms. Introducing little people to group class environments during which they practiced parallel play and sharing and when water was involved, they learned buoyancy. On weekends, we practiced riding on two wheels, stretching the limits of the 30-something lower back as we held onto the seat while running. We talked of kindness, empathy, using our words, not hitting and, above all, the art of controlling bodily functions.  

And I felt really busy. Like REALLY busy. And yet, I managed to capture a lot of these experiences on film. Photos AND video. We have these precious years captured to look back on forever. (Insert self-back patting here).
Where we are now, however, I have no photos. No videos. It is in this—the tween/teen stage of life---that I realize the giant exhale I’ve been anticipating is oh so very far away.  Like really far. Like, nowhere in sight. Like, if I were underwater this whole time, I was now signaling for the reserve oxygen tank.  

No one tells you that the second half of parenting is EVEN BUSIER.  And it lacks the adult social time and the gooey, cuddly love of the little people. So, let me be the whistleblower, "THE END IS NOT NEAR! YOU HAVE MILES TO GO! LONELY MILES! STAY STRONG!”

However, regardless of your religious beliefs, there is some solace in realizing that this cycle may be as old as dirt. That everyone has been there and almost everyone has survived. And almost everyone over 40 drinks.
Which brings me to the conclusion as to why there are no pictures of Jesus during his tween/teen years---not just because he didn’t want to be captured with braces and acne---Mary and Joseph were slammed.

And Teen Jesus, himself, was obviously too busy to sit still for a portrait. And what with all the group sessions TJ was conducting and the obscene social calendar he was keeping—hanging out with everyone, proclaimed friends or not, Mary had to have been shlepping him all over Bethlehem. And as the hormones kicked in and M and J were greeted daily with random bursts of fluctuating rage and despair, “WHO TOOK MY CAMEL?! WHERE’S MY LOIN CLOTH?! WHY DO YOU HATE ME?! Oh there it is…”

It’s no wonder that she begged him to figure out how to turn her water into something stronger.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

This Bud's for you

December 14th, 2016 Dear Todd, We went to see the Budweiser Clydesdales yesterday.  It was cool. They are seriously large horses--like Tyranahorses. Pretty sure that's what they're called. Pretty sure. And if I call them that enough, it will stick and they will be known as the Budweiser Tyranahorse, because we are living in a world where we can say whatever the f**k we want and not only will there be no consequence, but the word will be added to Webster's top Fab Five Fictious Phenomenons. But I digress... So we saw the horses. And as we were making our way back past them for the second time--aka "our farewell tour"--practicing our parade waves---one of our children shrieked and proceeded to shame Eric, the Clydesdale.  It would appear that Eric was giving me yet another teaching moment wherein I could explain the origin and meaning of the expression, "Hung like a horse." And so, I'd like to say, "Thank you, Eric. I really don't...

12 and 3/4

September 22, 2016 Dear Todd, I am writing to tell you that we have a teenager. Rest assurred that in the midst of my own mental deteriation I have not forgotten his birthday. I know that technically, we have another 2 months until his 13th trip around the sun has come to completion...but he is already showing signs. So I have decided to begin documentation. I think it's gonna be a good time, if he can just keep himself alive. And to that effect, I call upon the Gods of Brains with this plea. Oh Mighty Gods Of Wisdom that is Teen, Please put down your iPhone 7's, And all that comes in form of screen. Please look upon those Whom, like a sponge, absorb our changing world But without really thinking, try to process With emotions that come unfurled Let him always choose To look both ways Focus on what he loves And get straight A's? All right, the grades would be An extra perk But, please just let him Understand hard work And let him choose wisely Whe...

Space Madness

December 6, 2016 Dear Todd, Remember that episode of Ren and Stimpy...called Space Madness in which Ren and Stimpy lose their freakin' minds? I just relived it today with our oldest, "Ren" and our youngest "Stimpy."  However, instead of space and low levels of oxygen, I just took them to their annual physical...and as they anticipated the yearly Flu shot and examination of testicles, they lost their minds.  It started in the large waiting room, while I was checking them in. Me: Hey Guys? Go get some sanitizer on your hands while we're waiting. There were pumps at every end table and even a stand in the middle of the room. As they started...like normal people...at one pump...I stepped up to hand over insurance info and sign medical release forms. When I glanced back over my shoulder, I discovered that they were zipping around the room like competitors in a championship easter egg hunt---gathering samples of sanitizer from every possible pump and ...