A Christmas Story for Cat

December 21, 2016

Dear Todd,

I wrote this for Cat and all moms this time of year---and I know I'll misplace it forever if I don't document it here. And maybe one day you'll look back at this and say, "Oh. That's why she was always a little insane in December."

The Real Story of The Comings and Goings of The North Pole, by Mrs. S. Claus.

T’was the week before Christmas and all through the house,

 not a fucking thing was done yet—she’d had no help from her elves. 

Mr. Claus was too busy, he managed the toy shop from 9-5. 

While Mrs. Claus shlepped the Elves and kept them all alive.

She fed all the reindeer, and decorated inside. 

And baked 10 dozen cookies, some burnt, but she tried.

She went out and found a tree and tied it to the sleigh, 

After subbing at the North Pole School—Teacher Elf was sick that day.

She came home and hung lights, to help set the mood. 

She helped her eldest elf with homework, so Santa would see he was good.

The next day she was determined to send gifts overseas, 

So she waited in line all day  to avoid shipping fees.

Then she scooped up her elves and took them to sports. 

Appalled that at the North Pole they chose to wear shorts.

So she stopped by the pharmacy and grabbed some cold med, 

As they  all would soon need it when she put them to bed.

“Everyone has to stay healthy!” she begged and she pleaded, 

And yet none of her advice to the elves was heeded.

And as Christmas Eve neared, she began food preparation, 

So that  everyone’s hopes met their greatest expectations. 

Then she kissed Santa “farewell” as he went off to bed (I mean off in his sled) 

And stayed up all fucking night wrapping presents in red.

She wrapped them with ribbons and wrapped them with bows.  

The special way that only Santa knows.

And as she sat wrapping the cold started to set in, 

So she finished her wine and opened the gin. 

With a cough and a sneeze, she stumbled to sleep. 

In just 45minutes, the little elves would creep.

“It’s Christmas!” they’d shout, “Wake up and come see! 

Santa left things for you and he left things for me!” 

She would sit ‘round the tree and enjoy the smile on their face,

Knowing  she’d rather be no other place. 

Then she’d open a gift, that she’d wrapped on her own, 

and act super surprised with her new “thingamaphone.”

She’d go start the coffee and light up the fire, 

and contemplate if maybe next year she’d retire.