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What Fresh Hell is This?

December 1, 2016

Dear Todd,

Not sure if you've noticed the subtle apocalypse that is starting to swallow up our family---not unlike the Blob as it oozes across the floor and starts to absorb everything in it's path.  Our "blob" is the emotional transformation that is rearing its ugly head from time to time.  It's calling for, in my opinion, and entirely new form of parenting.  I call it "Quaalude Parenting."  

Their total irrational highs and lows coupled with the supreme knowledge of everything in the world based on 11-13 years of experience during which they have barely ever listened to anyone taller than themselves unless it was a voice coming out of some sort of screen (gasp for a breath) makes them...hmmm...well...lovable, but sometimes, to use our friend's description, "unlikable."

Which brings me back to Quaalude Parenting, or QP. I'm not suggesting we actually start to become drug addicts---though that could start a very different and interesting blog---but rather, we remain calm and relatively unphased and unaffected (to the best of our ability) to all the crazy and all the supreme knowledge.  We must practice nodding. And perhaps if we have food in our mouths at the same time, we will fight the urge to respond with words.  I find that if we are just physical beings, who do not think or speak, we provide just enough support for them to run through their gammut of emotions and thoughts, eventually coming out on the other side as if nothing just happened. 

Our nodding heads and full mouths will help keep our own blood pressure down as we recognize that the language they are speaking is, indeed, not English, and we don't need to understand, nor decipher...we just need to feed them and put them to bed until they speak English again.

Our 9 yr old has QP down. And I know he's not even trying. He just eats, nods and walks away if they aren't making sense. It's mezmerizing to watch. He's a natural. It's truly a thing of beauty.

I've also found, when practicing the act of QP, it's best when they get up in the morning to guide them straight to the food, lest they start speaking.  Usually the native tongue presents itself after breakfast, and on the way to school. And often I have had conversations with them and it's been enjoyable.  It is the return home from school, basically the hours of 4-9pm in which we must be very in tune with our QP.  It is not uncommon to hear all the challenges of social blather and academic impossibilities between these hours, but rest assured, these problems will not exist in the morning. So I strongly advise that you nod, eat, drink and even spontaneously walk away. If they ask, which they probably won't, I'll explain that you are already showing signs of Alzheimer's...to which they will respond, "We know." Cuz they do. They know everything.

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