DG 2.0

November 11th, 2017

Dear Todd,

It is with great trepidation that I announce the Return of Daniel Google or Daniel Google 2.0—now with voice activated response.

If you recall…Daniel Google came to us approximately 5 years ago when we were on the road, and began asking questions like, “I wonder if this restaurant is open?” Or “Do you think this road goes through?” And a small, confident voice rang out from the back seat with all the answers. “I’m pretty sure they are closed on Mondays,” or “It should go through.”

Thus as frustration built, and “Google” kept getting it wrong, we would start to cry out, in jest, “DAMN YOU GOOGLE!” But then realized that is probably among the top 10 things to not do as a parent, and so we changed “Damn You” to “Daniel” and thus our child, Daniel Google, was born.

Now, just as there have been advancements in Daniel Google’s age, technology did not stand still either, so we now are able to use Daniel Google much more like “Alexa.” This has become it’s own venture into crazy, or “cray” as Daniel Google might say, in our house.

Youngest: Can I have a coke with the movie? Or any pop?

(While the question was directed at the adults in the house. Our latest technological find, often answers before we do)

Daniel Google: You don’t want to drink that tonight. You will have a sugar crash right as you are about to wrestle tomorrow morning.

Me: Really?

DG: Yes. Because (and now I, the mom am making this up because I cannot retain info from 8th grade science or any old or new info that I do not deem life saving, but he said something like this)... it is too much sugar and carbs and then you will go to sleep and then it will take 12hrs for the carbs to change into lipids and then around 8am tomorrow you are gonna want to take a nap and never fully recover your energy source. (Or something like that).

Though our youngest's face stayed still, like any poker champ, this information was not the news he had hoped to receive. Nor was it a response from the people he was asking---thereby weakening its validity.

Me: Well, my lipids are under no such pressure tomorrow…so…I’m gonna have a Cherry Coke. And then I probed further. Daniel Google, is it because it's too much sugar?

DG: Yes.

Me: So a smaller amount, might not be as detrimental?

DG: It’s still not great.

(Our youngest, 3 steps ahead at all times, was already in the laundry room, climbing up on the counter to reach the bins of halloween candy).

As I spotted him rapidly unwrapping a mini Twix and Milky Way and stuffing them into his mouth, he managed to whisper to me (as the caramel struggled to keep his jaw together) “Daniel Google can’t stop me now.”

As the family made it’s way into the basement for Movie Night, we let Daniel Google set up the surround sound/tech part of the movie. Which is when, we as full grown adults, crossed over and began to torment our almost 14 year old…because I’m pretty sure that’s what you are supposed to do at this age.

So we all nestled into the couch (except for our teen who sat on the floor with his phone) and began shouting into the air, as if we owned some sort of Google Home or Alexa…ocassionally saying the same thing different ways, in case the direction was unclear.

You: Daniel Google, please turn up the sound

(nothing happened)

You: Daniel Google, TURN VOLUME UP

You: Daniel Google—

DG: —(Laughing) I’m trying.

Me: Daniel Google, start the movie.

Middle Child: Daniel Google, press play.

You: Daniel Google, turn off lights

DG: OH MY GOD?!

ME: Daniel Google, lights off please.

Maybe it only works with manners…

You: Daniel Google, Volume.

And as the movie finally started, with sufficient volume, we all gave a rousing, “THANK YOU DANIEL GOOGLE,” as our lovable beast, who has become known as the Spotted Polar Bear, jumped up and crushed our organs. Another successful Movie Night in the books.