Tooth Fairy Conjunctivitis

November 9, 2017

Dear Todd, 

So as you know, since I was not home at the time, (ahem) the crossbow tooth-launch was a huge success. Which meant, the tooth fairy had to come. However, a rush from such an activity—the adrenaline, the thrill of success cannot be quelled by “Hey it’s 10 o’clock. Get to bed.” And I cannot stay awake past 10:15pm anymore. Apparently. So, it looked to be a recipe for huge TF failure. (“Tooth Fairy”)

So, I was pleasantly surprised to be woken up by the dog at 2:30am—perfect fairy time. And as I tiptoed into our youngest’s bedroom, I was reminded, once again, that I am my own worst enemy.

Days earlier I came up with the brilliant idea to place a “displaced futon mattress ” under his bunk/desk. It made an excellent little reading nook and I felt pretty good about myself. It just fit. Wedged up against his desk chair. Perpendicular to his upper bunk, with a little cubby under the desk. What this meant for the “not so small,”  half-asleep tooth fairy was she either had to straddle the sleepy body and hope she could post herself in a plank on one hand, while making the trade (tooth for money) with the other. 

OR she would have to army crawl under the structural beam and reach around the office chair like a rookie in bootcamp, but it would allow the use of both hands.

 Rumor has it she went with this military method, and was maneuvering with enviable skill, when she was ambushed by a large beast who dragged his tongue over her open, left eye. As the harsh reality sank in that she had indeed encountered saliva, in her eye, from a beast who was known for licking his butthole, and would most likely develop pink eye, he then began to nuzzle her head, boosting her mission to that of a green beret. The execution was flawless. The trade was made and the skilled fairy and the beast quietly backed out of the room. 

As the fairy climbed back into bed, the beast entered the room and began pawing at your side of the bed. Resuming her green beret skill set, she feigned dead and allowed the beast to wake you. She had suffered enough.