Dear Todd (We have a Teenager)

December 21, 2016 Dear Todd, I wrote this for Cat and all moms this time of year---and I know I'll misplace it forever if I don't document it here. And maybe one day you'll look back at this and say, "Oh. That's why she was always a little insane in December." The Real Story of The Comings and Goings of The North Pole, by Mrs. S. Claus. T’was the week before Christmas and all through the house,  not a fucking thing was done yet—she’d had no help from her elves.  Mr. Claus was too busy, he managed the toy shop from 9-5.  While Mrs. Claus shlepped the Elves and kept them all alive. She fed all the reindeer, and decorated inside.  And baked 10 dozen cookies, some burnt, but she tried. She went out and found a tree and tied it to the sleigh,  After subbing at the North Pole School—Teacher Elf was sick that day. She came home and hung lights, to help set the mood.  She helped her eldest elf with homework, so Santa would see...

December 14th, 2016 Dear Todd, We went to see the Budweiser Clydesdales yesterday.  It was cool. They are seriously large horses--like Tyranahorses. Pretty sure that's what they're called. Pretty sure. And if I call them that enough, it will stick and they will be known as the Budweiser Tyranahorse, because we are living in a world where we can say whatever the f**k we want and not only will there be no consequence, but the word will be added to Webster's top Fab Five Fictious Phenomenons. But I digress... So we saw the horses. And as we were making our way back past them for the second time--aka "our farewell tour"--practicing our parade waves---one of our children shrieked and proceeded to shame Eric, the Clydesdale.  It would appear that Eric was giving me yet another teaching moment wherein I could explain the origin and meaning of the expression, "Hung like a horse." And so, I'd like to say, "Thank you, Eric. I really don't...

December 6, 2016 Dear Todd, Remember that episode of Ren and Stimpy...called Space Madness in which Ren and Stimpy lose their freakin' minds? I just relived it today with our oldest, "Ren" and our youngest "Stimpy."  However, instead of space and low levels of oxygen, I just took them to their annual physical...and as they anticipated the yearly Flu shot and examination of testicles, they lost their minds.  It started in the large waiting room, while I was checking them in. Me: Hey Guys? Go get some sanitizer on your hands while we're waiting. There were pumps at every end table and even a stand in the middle of the room. As they started...like normal people...at one pump...I stepped up to hand over insurance info and sign medical release forms. When I glanced back over my shoulder, I discovered that they were zipping around the room like competitors in a championship easter egg hunt---gathering samples of sanitizer from every possible pump and ...

December 1, 2016 Dear Todd, Not sure if you've noticed the subtle apocalypse that is starting to swallow up our family---not unlike the Blob as it oozes across the floor and starts to absorb everything in it's path.  Our "blob" is the emotional transformation that is rearing its ugly head from time to time.  It's calling for, in my opinion, and entirely new form of parenting.  I call it "Quaalude Parenting."   Their total irrational highs and lows coupled with the supreme knowledge of everything in the world based on 11-13 years of experience during which they have barely ever listened to anyone taller than themselves unless it was a voice coming out of some sort of screen (gasp for a breath) makes them...hmmm...well...lovable, but sometimes, to use our friend's description, "unlikable." Which brings me back to Quaalude Parenting, or QP. I'm not suggesting we actually start to become drug addicts---though that could start...

With apologies to Margaret Wise Brown November 19th, 2016 Dear Todd, Ode to Aden... In the great tan space There was a poster And an illustrated face 
 And a sculpture of- An AT AT on a shelf in its place 
And there were three little crafts A boat, a car, a raft And two wrestling awards 
And two school poster boards 
And two Lego Star Wars Ships 
And a bag from some Potato Chips 
And a laptop and two speakers and a pair of smelly sneakers And an 80lb Aussie who was snoring and bossy Goodnight space
 Goodnight face
 Goodnight AT AT on a shelf in its place Goodnight crafts
 And the wrestling awards
 Goodnight Ships
 Goodnight Chips
 Goodnight speaker
 And goodnight sneakers
 Goodnight Aussie 
And goodnight saxophone
 That was one day played
 And goodnight photograph that needs to be framed
 Goodnight stuffed koala bear
 who you called "Kalupticus." Goodnight Star Wars blanket
 Made with love from all of us
 And goodnight to the childish...

November 17th, 2016 Dear Todd, Yesterday was one of those days when our native languages failed us and the result was me wishing all my fingers could turn into the middle one and I could angrily wave Jazz hands at you, and you clearly wishing you could ball me up into a reasonably tight package and drop kick me through the roof. Let this be a message to those who are dating...seize the opportunity to go back to your own place while you can. Or if you've decided to go for the "long haul," practice being stuck in each other's space knowing that even if you leave, you have to come back. Unless you wanted to get a hotel---but then you are just spending more of "both" of your money which is destined to cause another battle down the road, when clearly you could've just come home--after all Timmy needs braces and plays for a traveling baseball team. Unless, of course, you are being beaten/abused. Then get the hotel. Preferably in a different state.  And u...

November 14th, 2016 Dear Todd, I haven't been able to write in a while---there's been a couple things on my mind. I think I need to get it out in order to remove this "block." Things like: 1. How will our 7th grader's wrestling season go? Will we all be miserable, or will it be a year of triumph and victory so sweet that nothing could strip that joy? 2. White Supremacy 3. How to recover our daughter's original story that she worked on for weeks only to have it saved under the same name and "replaced." 4. Racism 5. How to re-stitch an original stuffed animal creation to make it stand upright and be more symmetrical. 6. Safety Pins 7. How to get the leaves out of the gutter with a short ladder. 8. Wanting to give this President a chance, and have ALL acts of violence and cruel treatment of humanity disappear and not be linked to acts of enthusiasm by some of those who "won." 9. Wanting to actually have a neatly folded ...