Dear Todd (We have a Teenager)

October 30, 2016 Dear Todd, I'm so glad the trek to Chicago today was not in vain. GO CUBBIES!!! Cuz I was starting to think the curse was spreading out into our house when you left for the airport with my (remaining) car key.  Now...the fact that the car key was in the car you took and not on my key ring, needs some explaining. Not justifying...not excusing...just explaining. Because it would be such a different feeling if the key was misplaced due to me having so much irresponsible fun that I was flakey. That was not the case. There's a difference. And, for my own sanity,  I NEED you to acknowledge the difference and not perhaps think in the back of your mind that had I been more organized, this wouldn't have happened. Because that kind of thinking can get a person shivved. In order to paint the full happenings of such a mishap we will need to go back to Thursday night where in I stayed up (for the 3rd night in a row of crap-ass sleep) with our eldest and pulle...

October 26th, 2016 Dear Todd, I'm thinking of going back to school. Seeking a Master's in Counting Cards. I figure it's gotta be a two year program at most, and then I can go straight to Vegas and apply my degree. Where this sudden interest in such a degree you may ask? Well, I spent today at the Orthodontist---as most people tend to do on a sunny, fall Wednesday. And as you may remember we have not one, not two, but 3 children. Three children with f'd up teeth to be exact. Don't get me wrong, the x-rays were a solid source of entertainment, but not quite worth the price of admission. Basically, we could either have 2 tickets (down behind homeplate) to the World Series, or save our children's teeth. What I learned today at the Ortho  by Robin Faris Our youngest is half shark. Shocker.  Almost all of his adult teeth are pushing down in the wrong direction on top of his babies. Now, I'm thinking, 'down' is the right direction. But appare...

October 24th, 2016 Dear Todd, I'm not really sure where to start.  The headline on this one sort of sums up my Monday.  And as I make dinner right now, we still have a half-dressed 9 yr old who opts to "thrust" from time to time because his pants are off which, and I quote, "Makes me feel like a man." I'm in over my head. Out over my ski's. And any other bad metaphor for "screwed without a solution." It's that time in a working person's day when you "clock out." You shut down the computer, you decide to face the world again in the morning with a warm cup of coffee.  But he's still walking around. Half dressed. Now weilding a knife, cuz he's making his lunch. But, for your reference let's get back to the removal of the pants. All of our kids had fabulous plans with friends after school today.  Upon picking up our eldest and dropping off our youngest's friend (all possible at one house as they are broth...

October 23rd, 2016 Dear Todd, I would write about something re: our family or the cray-cray of parenting, but it feels wrong to not address the historical moment of last night and it's blocking my opportunity for other thoughts. So... Let me start with saying, "I get it. You played baseball. You collected the cards. You know the stats. You love the game. You get to go to Chicago and hopefully witness the Cubs win the World Series."  But here's my story... The Win last night (and yes "win" is capitalized because I understand that it's that major that it alters the rules of grammar) was nothing short of incredible.  Obviously for baseball fans, it's a big deal. But for those who are not even big baseball fans, and there are a lot of us, it's about the experience. Growing up, we would pretend to be different players during PE Softball. The Penguin, Sutcliffe, Ryno, Leon Durham, etc. It was 1984, I was in 5th grade and knew nothing about ba...

October 19th, 2016 Dear Todd, That whole plan of the "bailout" and one chance thing with the intent that SHOULD that ever happen again I wouldn't bail him out thing....ya know? That thing?  It happened. The next f'ning day. Amazing. Can't make it up. The next day?! Really? You'll be glad to know, that I DID NOT give any sort of sympathy, help, anything on this drive to school, and I am glad to report that he didn't look for any either. He apologized right away, and I said,  in a loving tone that expressed how little I cared this morning, "Don't apologize to me. I don't have to be there on time. I'm just your ride." So we zoomed off and as we pulled up to the school, with a minute to spare, his greatest fears were realized. There, in the middle of the "drop-off" line, was a mom (we'll call her Pam) who had parked her car and gotten out to help her child go into school---backing up cars down the street. This beha...

October 18th, 2016 Dear Todd, Getting out of the house this morning was a little less than fun. Just a smidgen away from a totally good time. And I'm pretty sure I'm on the verge of getting disbarred from parenting. NEWS FLASH: Our eldest is transforming. It's not unlike watching the sprouting of ear hair on Teen Wolf. He's starting to become something a little less responsible. A little less cuddly. A little less kind. And yet, he's still a good kid. It started with coming down to breakfast with only 10 minutes to get to the car. And peaked into a rollicking good time, when he ran upstairs to grab his camera for Photography 102 and realized that it was not in its case. He descended the stairs in total frustration declaring the injustice. "Everything BUT my camera is in my case." "Well, when did you last use your camera?" "A long time ago. And I put it back in the case." "Nobody went into your room and took your...

October 17th, 2016 Dear Todd, The subject heading is not nearly as interesting of a story as you may think. In fact it pertains to our youngest---shocker. It reflects on a time when he was even younger--still not surprising. But the way in which it came up today was priceless. I was picking them up from school and somewhere in the jumble of conversation I heard, "Did you kiss someone?" The question was asked of our youngest, by our daughter. He quickly replied, "No!" "Then why is your face red?" She continued to prod. "I didn't kiss anyone, " he calmly replied.  "I haven't kissed anyone since kindergarten." "WAIT. WHAT?!?!?!?"  This clearly threw her for a loop.  She began to giggle and repeat, "What?!?! What?!?!? Who?! When?! WHAT?!" I chimed in and said, as if it were totally old news to his siblings, "Yeah. He and Bo kissed Maggie in the Tipi." "WHAT?!" The giggles g...

October 14th, 2016 Dear Todd, Teen Tude is emerging. In fact that may be his new super villain name.  Thus far all I can be certain of is that Teen Tude has the secret ability to transform me into Monster Mama (also known as Raging Bitch in Canada) and I must dig deep into my own powers and turn the other cheek. Again. And Again. And Again. And Again. The trouble with Teen Tude is that he is smart. And therefore....biting. His remarks are ones that upon delivery would've been met with slap circa 1984 parenting. But in 2016 are met with a slow, drawnout pronunciation of his name and an evil stare---a tactic that has been effective thus far, but has no guarantee that it will last much longer. Our latest interaction with Teen Tude went like this: MM: Tomorrow we are going to take Mimi to hip hop to watch your sister and you and your brother and Papa and Daddy will go to soccer. Hip-hop is at 11am, and you have to be at soccer at 11:30.  We should all be at the game by h...

October 11th, 2016 Dear Todd, Since my last entry I have observed how smelly boys can be and how mean girls can be.  This next 'bout of parenting seems awesome.  I'll take smelly over mean any day.  So if our house is super stinky, remember to be thankful it's not super mean. Cuz I won't do both. We are going "All Stink. All Day. Hold the Emotionally Nasty." Also...our Dog is Typhoid Petey. Don't know where or how he got Kennel Cough, but he's sharing it with every dog within a 1 mile radius---even those with the bordatella vaccine. He's a giver. What makes this awesome is I'm now the "Mean Girl" who holds her dog tightly on walks and won't let him meet passing dogs or say hello for fear of "sharing." And I can't take Petey to the dog park because he will share with all the dogs. And then they will share. And so on. And in little to no time, I will go down in history as the woman responsible for the Poudre Pupp...

Oct 7 Dea Tod, I'm too ti red to     com mun   ica.  This is the consequen     probl    UGH! THis is WHY we shoood not  go to bed when it is dark.. out..side... Why are deadlines only effect  do deadlines only work the night B4? Why doesn't my coffee make itself? WHHHHYYYYYY? Firdt firdt f irry  mother.......FIRST world problems. We hav an 11yr old today...i guess it's only fair to be as tired as the day she was born. Of course, you napped that day.  I'm not bitter..11 yrs later... CU z time hea;s all wounds...except when you have none cuz the baby ssins't sidsnt OH MY GOAT GOD.."didn't" come out of your body. JUst sayin'... FARIS. OUT.....

October 6th, 2016 Dear Todd, As you know, tomorrow is our daughter's birthday. She will be 11. We have discussed a myriad of birthday celebration options and settled on none, because she will be just getting back from Eco Week which is touted to be the most fun you can have in 5th grade until you get home and fall apart like a wailing zombie. I'm putting a lot of f'n' pressure on the power of a balloon greeting. It turns out, however, that there is no shortage of things to do tomorrow. CSU's parade is downtown where they can stand and catch candy being thrown at them. The elementary school is having their "NIGHT" at Rollerland which just about brings me to tears of sick, dark laughter thinking of all these tired kids on wheels. The Middle school is having their "FUN NIGHT" which is a great fundraiser for  the school and is probably the altruistic thing to do. Sounds good. Pretty sure 11 is the age of the Altruistic Birthday. And last, but n...

October 5th, 2016 Dear Todd, I think as an adult there are few things I like less than going places to pay to have things fixed. All things; from bikes, to cars, to pets, to teeth, to bodies. I just want things to not be broken so instead of surgery on a dog's stomach, or a new carborator we can go to ANYWHERE ELSE BUT A REPAIR OFFICE and do ANYTHING ELSE BUT GET "REPAIRED." So yesterday, I went to the "Repair Office of Teeth." They gave me lots of novocaine. Which is great, because no one wants to ever feel anything that sounds like a power drill and makes dust like a power drill billowing out of one's mouth. So they numbed my entire right side. And all I wanted to do was start making Bill Cosby dentist jokes,"I Cabn Feleb My Libbip!"  And then realized that (1) The people in the office may be too young to know the sketch and (2) Cosby is no longer the name you want to drop in any cirucmstance surrounding any form of sedation. Makes yo...

October 4th, 2016 Dear Todd, As the household proclaimed "linear thinker," I have a math problem for you. Or the world's longest run-on sentence... If a woman is awoken at 5:15am by a nightmare of a toxic/sewage smelling snake sliding up the side of her body rapidly encroaching on her breathing, and slowly opens her eyes to look around so as not to startle the snake, only to find that the snake is a pair of size 4 male feet and the toxcitiy is coming from the 70lb farting dog in the bed and thus she slides out discreetly thumping onto the floor and army crawling downstairs as to not disturb anyone else in an attempt to have a cup of coffee by herself only to be followed by the farting dog that proceeds to vomit a 32inch diameter puddle on the living room rug, waking the size 4 feet that rapidly descend to request a peach for breakfast. The sound of the youngest running down the stairs wakes the oldest (who has never woken up on his own before 7am unless it was a Sun...

October 3rd, 2016 Dear Todd, While you were out last night I had a night of grand dependence and ADHD.  What I mean is that during this window of 6-9pm I had not-so-little, little people asking me for things like water and a plate and where to put their dirty clothes, and to proof their English paper, and to read them a story...all things that typically haven fallen under the "I'm a big kid now. I do it all by myself" era that (minus the English paper) started happening around....ooh I dunno.....8 YEARS AGO!? But I digress...so fast forward to us sitting in our queen bed. When I say "us" I mean me, all 3 kids and Petey the Jumbo Dog." You are eating dinner with a good friend at a nice bar out in the world, where people our age live. Not, that I'm complaining. I have my nights out too for sure, but I don't think your nights inside look like mine. I dunno. Could be wrong. Maybe you guys do all pile in one bed, Charlie Bucket style, and corre...