Dear Todd (We have a Teenager)

December 21, 2016 Dear Todd, I wrote this for Cat and all moms this time of year---and I know I'll misplace it forever if I don't document it here. And maybe one day you'll look back at this and say, "Oh. That's why she was always a little insane in December." The Real Story of The Comings and Goings of The North Pole, by Mrs. S. Claus. T’was the week before Christmas and all through the house,  not a fucking thing was done yet—she’d had no help from her elves.  Mr. Claus was too busy, he managed the toy shop from 9-5.  While Mrs. Claus shlepped the Elves and kept them all alive. She fed all the reindeer, and decorated inside.  And baked 10 dozen cookies, some burnt, but she tried. She went out and found a tree and tied it to the sleigh,  After subbing at the North Pole School—Teacher Elf was sick that day. She came home and hung lights, to help set the mood.  She helped her eldest elf with homework, so Santa would see...

December 14th, 2016 Dear Todd, We went to see the Budweiser Clydesdales yesterday.  It was cool. They are seriously large horses--like Tyranahorses. Pretty sure that's what they're called. Pretty sure. And if I call them that enough, it will stick and they will be known as the Budweiser Tyranahorse, because we are living in a world where we can say whatever the f**k we want and not only will there be no consequence, but the word will be added to Webster's top Fab Five Fictious Phenomenons. But I digress... So we saw the horses. And as we were making our way back past them for the second time--aka "our farewell tour"--practicing our parade waves---one of our children shrieked and proceeded to shame Eric, the Clydesdale.  It would appear that Eric was giving me yet another teaching moment wherein I could explain the origin and meaning of the expression, "Hung like a horse." And so, I'd like to say, "Thank you, Eric. I really don't...

December 6, 2016 Dear Todd, Remember that episode of Ren and Stimpy...called Space Madness in which Ren and Stimpy lose their freakin' minds? I just relived it today with our oldest, "Ren" and our youngest "Stimpy."  However, instead of space and low levels of oxygen, I just took them to their annual physical...and as they anticipated the yearly Flu shot and examination of testicles, they lost their minds.  It started in the large waiting room, while I was checking them in. Me: Hey Guys? Go get some sanitizer on your hands while we're waiting. There were pumps at every end table and even a stand in the middle of the room. As they started...like normal people...at one pump...I stepped up to hand over insurance info and sign medical release forms. When I glanced back over my shoulder, I discovered that they were zipping around the room like competitors in a championship easter egg hunt---gathering samples of sanitizer from every possible pump and ...

December 1, 2016 Dear Todd, Not sure if you've noticed the subtle apocalypse that is starting to swallow up our family---not unlike the Blob as it oozes across the floor and starts to absorb everything in it's path.  Our "blob" is the emotional transformation that is rearing its ugly head from time to time.  It's calling for, in my opinion, and entirely new form of parenting.  I call it "Quaalude Parenting."   Their total irrational highs and lows coupled with the supreme knowledge of everything in the world based on 11-13 years of experience during which they have barely ever listened to anyone taller than themselves unless it was a voice coming out of some sort of screen (gasp for a breath) makes them...hmmm...well...lovable, but sometimes, to use our friend's description, "unlikable." Which brings me back to Quaalude Parenting, or QP. I'm not suggesting we actually start to become drug addicts---though that could start...

With apologies to Margaret Wise Brown November 19th, 2016 Dear Todd, Ode to Aden... In the great tan space There was a poster And an illustrated face 
 And a sculpture of- An AT AT on a shelf in its place 
And there were three little crafts A boat, a car, a raft And two wrestling awards 
And two school poster boards 
And two Lego Star Wars Ships 
And a bag from some Potato Chips 
And a laptop and two speakers and a pair of smelly sneakers And an 80lb Aussie who was snoring and bossy Goodnight space
 Goodnight face
 Goodnight AT AT on a shelf in its place Goodnight crafts
 And the wrestling awards
 Goodnight Ships
 Goodnight Chips
 Goodnight speaker
 And goodnight sneakers
 Goodnight Aussie 
And goodnight saxophone
 That was one day played
 And goodnight photograph that needs to be framed
 Goodnight stuffed koala bear
 who you called "Kalupticus." Goodnight Star Wars blanket
 Made with love from all of us
 And goodnight to the childish...

November 17th, 2016 Dear Todd, Yesterday was one of those days when our native languages failed us and the result was me wishing all my fingers could turn into the middle one and I could angrily wave Jazz hands at you, and you clearly wishing you could ball me up into a reasonably tight package and drop kick me through the roof. Let this be a message to those who are dating...seize the opportunity to go back to your own place while you can. Or if you've decided to go for the "long haul," practice being stuck in each other's space knowing that even if you leave, you have to come back. Unless you wanted to get a hotel---but then you are just spending more of "both" of your money which is destined to cause another battle down the road, when clearly you could've just come home--after all Timmy needs braces and plays for a traveling baseball team. Unless, of course, you are being beaten/abused. Then get the hotel. Preferably in a different state.  And u...

November 14th, 2016 Dear Todd, I haven't been able to write in a while---there's been a couple things on my mind. I think I need to get it out in order to remove this "block." Things like: 1. How will our 7th grader's wrestling season go? Will we all be miserable, or will it be a year of triumph and victory so sweet that nothing could strip that joy? 2. White Supremacy 3. How to recover our daughter's original story that she worked on for weeks only to have it saved under the same name and "replaced." 4. Racism 5. How to re-stitch an original stuffed animal creation to make it stand upright and be more symmetrical. 6. Safety Pins 7. How to get the leaves out of the gutter with a short ladder. 8. Wanting to give this President a chance, and have ALL acts of violence and cruel treatment of humanity disappear and not be linked to acts of enthusiasm by some of those who "won." 9. Wanting to actually have a neatly folded ...

November 8th, 2016 Dear Todd, This entire next little entry is to be read to the tune of "Favorite Things" from the Sound of Music. "Vomit in kennels and never ending laundry Kids who need breakfast and showers and laundry, Yes, I repeated the word laundry twice Cuz it's become something that controls my life. Extra-curricular, medical and dental So many costs it can make you go mental How many things can one child need? As if one's not enough we decided to have 3! When the dog barks! And bites Jackson! When he eats his sock-a I simply remember I once had a choice And I chose to drink Vod-ka And with my free-thinking and late nights of drinking I never guessed that a boat could keep sinking Just as it drys with a work day's rewards The water starts creeping its way through the boards! When the car dies! When the screen breaks! When there's just no end I simply remember that we made a choice Again...and again...and again....

November 3rd, 2016 (Day after the Cubs won the World Series) Ha! Right?! Crazy! Cannot believe it's true! Finally! Dear Todd, I decided to read to our daughter tonight. It has been a while. And she asked. So... I went and climbed into bed with her and Petey. I had gone no further than two paragraphs when two boys appeared at the foot of the bed. It was like that scene in the Sound of Music where there's a thunder storm and all of a sudden everyone shows up and sings about their favorite things.  Only we did not sing.  We barely even read. Because shortly after the boys arrived, low-impact "dog wrestling" started. "Don't push him off the bed on his back!" I loudly cautioned. "We won't," they replied in unison, just catching enough breath from laughing to get it out. "You will. And you are about to," I continued, "and you will be paying for the vet bill yourselves if he falls and hurts himself." "Petey...

November 1, 2016 Dear Todd, As I pulled up to the school this morning, I noticed a large black suburban at the tail end of the drop-off line.  It was parked. Not dropping anybody, but parked.  So I slowly pulled forward in an effort to claim some curbside real estate to drop off our two and realized there were 3 more cars. Parked. I pulled awkwardly in front of the silver Subaru, wedging myself behind the white Chevy and had the kids jump out---as if I were DROPPING THEM OFF.  I then sat, and watched "Alice" lean out the passenger window from the driver 's seat to talk with "Judy" who was walking her son on the sidewalk. Just then, Alice's son came back to the car because he, after being on the playground for 3 minutes, had something more to say. And I'm pretty sure that, had his mother not still been sitting there, well...I don't want to even imagine the trauma that could have caused. Thank God, she was still there. In case, you haven't no...

October 30, 2016 Dear Todd, I'm so glad the trek to Chicago today was not in vain. GO CUBBIES!!! Cuz I was starting to think the curse was spreading out into our house when you left for the airport with my (remaining) car key.  Now...the fact that the car key was in the car you took and not on my key ring, needs some explaining. Not justifying...not excusing...just explaining. Because it would be such a different feeling if the key was misplaced due to me having so much irresponsible fun that I was flakey. That was not the case. There's a difference. And, for my own sanity,  I NEED you to acknowledge the difference and not perhaps think in the back of your mind that had I been more organized, this wouldn't have happened. Because that kind of thinking can get a person shivved. In order to paint the full happenings of such a mishap we will need to go back to Thursday night where in I stayed up (for the 3rd night in a row of crap-ass sleep) with our eldest and pulle...

October 26th, 2016 Dear Todd, I'm thinking of going back to school. Seeking a Master's in Counting Cards. I figure it's gotta be a two year program at most, and then I can go straight to Vegas and apply my degree. Where this sudden interest in such a degree you may ask? Well, I spent today at the Orthodontist---as most people tend to do on a sunny, fall Wednesday. And as you may remember we have not one, not two, but 3 children. Three children with f'd up teeth to be exact. Don't get me wrong, the x-rays were a solid source of entertainment, but not quite worth the price of admission. Basically, we could either have 2 tickets (down behind homeplate) to the World Series, or save our children's teeth. What I learned today at the Ortho  by Robin Faris Our youngest is half shark. Shocker.  Almost all of his adult teeth are pushing down in the wrong direction on top of his babies. Now, I'm thinking, 'down' is the right direction. But appare...

October 24th, 2016 Dear Todd, I'm not really sure where to start.  The headline on this one sort of sums up my Monday.  And as I make dinner right now, we still have a half-dressed 9 yr old who opts to "thrust" from time to time because his pants are off which, and I quote, "Makes me feel like a man." I'm in over my head. Out over my ski's. And any other bad metaphor for "screwed without a solution." It's that time in a working person's day when you "clock out." You shut down the computer, you decide to face the world again in the morning with a warm cup of coffee.  But he's still walking around. Half dressed. Now weilding a knife, cuz he's making his lunch. But, for your reference let's get back to the removal of the pants. All of our kids had fabulous plans with friends after school today.  Upon picking up our eldest and dropping off our youngest's friend (all possible at one house as they are broth...

October 23rd, 2016 Dear Todd, I would write about something re: our family or the cray-cray of parenting, but it feels wrong to not address the historical moment of last night and it's blocking my opportunity for other thoughts. So... Let me start with saying, "I get it. You played baseball. You collected the cards. You know the stats. You love the game. You get to go to Chicago and hopefully witness the Cubs win the World Series."  But here's my story... The Win last night (and yes "win" is capitalized because I understand that it's that major that it alters the rules of grammar) was nothing short of incredible.  Obviously for baseball fans, it's a big deal. But for those who are not even big baseball fans, and there are a lot of us, it's about the experience. Growing up, we would pretend to be different players during PE Softball. The Penguin, Sutcliffe, Ryno, Leon Durham, etc. It was 1984, I was in 5th grade and knew nothing about ba...

October 19th, 2016 Dear Todd, That whole plan of the "bailout" and one chance thing with the intent that SHOULD that ever happen again I wouldn't bail him out thing....ya know? That thing?  It happened. The next f'ning day. Amazing. Can't make it up. The next day?! Really? You'll be glad to know, that I DID NOT give any sort of sympathy, help, anything on this drive to school, and I am glad to report that he didn't look for any either. He apologized right away, and I said,  in a loving tone that expressed how little I cared this morning, "Don't apologize to me. I don't have to be there on time. I'm just your ride." So we zoomed off and as we pulled up to the school, with a minute to spare, his greatest fears were realized. There, in the middle of the "drop-off" line, was a mom (we'll call her Pam) who had parked her car and gotten out to help her child go into school---backing up cars down the street. This beha...

October 18th, 2016 Dear Todd, Getting out of the house this morning was a little less than fun. Just a smidgen away from a totally good time. And I'm pretty sure I'm on the verge of getting disbarred from parenting. NEWS FLASH: Our eldest is transforming. It's not unlike watching the sprouting of ear hair on Teen Wolf. He's starting to become something a little less responsible. A little less cuddly. A little less kind. And yet, he's still a good kid. It started with coming down to breakfast with only 10 minutes to get to the car. And peaked into a rollicking good time, when he ran upstairs to grab his camera for Photography 102 and realized that it was not in its case. He descended the stairs in total frustration declaring the injustice. "Everything BUT my camera is in my case." "Well, when did you last use your camera?" "A long time ago. And I put it back in the case." "Nobody went into your room and took your...

October 17th, 2016 Dear Todd, The subject heading is not nearly as interesting of a story as you may think. In fact it pertains to our youngest---shocker. It reflects on a time when he was even younger--still not surprising. But the way in which it came up today was priceless. I was picking them up from school and somewhere in the jumble of conversation I heard, "Did you kiss someone?" The question was asked of our youngest, by our daughter. He quickly replied, "No!" "Then why is your face red?" She continued to prod. "I didn't kiss anyone, " he calmly replied.  "I haven't kissed anyone since kindergarten." "WAIT. WHAT?!?!?!?"  This clearly threw her for a loop.  She began to giggle and repeat, "What?!?! What?!?!? Who?! When?! WHAT?!" I chimed in and said, as if it were totally old news to his siblings, "Yeah. He and Bo kissed Maggie in the Tipi." "WHAT?!" The giggles g...

October 14th, 2016 Dear Todd, Teen Tude is emerging. In fact that may be his new super villain name.  Thus far all I can be certain of is that Teen Tude has the secret ability to transform me into Monster Mama (also known as Raging Bitch in Canada) and I must dig deep into my own powers and turn the other cheek. Again. And Again. And Again. And Again. The trouble with Teen Tude is that he is smart. And therefore....biting. His remarks are ones that upon delivery would've been met with slap circa 1984 parenting. But in 2016 are met with a slow, drawnout pronunciation of his name and an evil stare---a tactic that has been effective thus far, but has no guarantee that it will last much longer. Our latest interaction with Teen Tude went like this: MM: Tomorrow we are going to take Mimi to hip hop to watch your sister and you and your brother and Papa and Daddy will go to soccer. Hip-hop is at 11am, and you have to be at soccer at 11:30.  We should all be at the game by h...

October 11th, 2016 Dear Todd, Since my last entry I have observed how smelly boys can be and how mean girls can be.  This next 'bout of parenting seems awesome.  I'll take smelly over mean any day.  So if our house is super stinky, remember to be thankful it's not super mean. Cuz I won't do both. We are going "All Stink. All Day. Hold the Emotionally Nasty." Also...our Dog is Typhoid Petey. Don't know where or how he got Kennel Cough, but he's sharing it with every dog within a 1 mile radius---even those with the bordatella vaccine. He's a giver. What makes this awesome is I'm now the "Mean Girl" who holds her dog tightly on walks and won't let him meet passing dogs or say hello for fear of "sharing." And I can't take Petey to the dog park because he will share with all the dogs. And then they will share. And so on. And in little to no time, I will go down in history as the woman responsible for the Poudre Pupp...

Oct 7 Dea Tod, I'm too ti red to     com mun   ica.  This is the consequen     probl    UGH! THis is WHY we shoood not  go to bed when it is dark.. out..side... Why are deadlines only effect  do deadlines only work the night B4? Why doesn't my coffee make itself? WHHHHYYYYYY? Firdt firdt f irry  mother.......FIRST world problems. We hav an 11yr old today...i guess it's only fair to be as tired as the day she was born. Of course, you napped that day.  I'm not bitter..11 yrs later... CU z time hea;s all wounds...except when you have none cuz the baby ssins't sidsnt OH MY GOAT GOD.."didn't" come out of your body. JUst sayin'... FARIS. OUT.....

October 6th, 2016 Dear Todd, As you know, tomorrow is our daughter's birthday. She will be 11. We have discussed a myriad of birthday celebration options and settled on none, because she will be just getting back from Eco Week which is touted to be the most fun you can have in 5th grade until you get home and fall apart like a wailing zombie. I'm putting a lot of f'n' pressure on the power of a balloon greeting. It turns out, however, that there is no shortage of things to do tomorrow. CSU's parade is downtown where they can stand and catch candy being thrown at them. The elementary school is having their "NIGHT" at Rollerland which just about brings me to tears of sick, dark laughter thinking of all these tired kids on wheels. The Middle school is having their "FUN NIGHT" which is a great fundraiser for  the school and is probably the altruistic thing to do. Sounds good. Pretty sure 11 is the age of the Altruistic Birthday. And last, but n...

October 5th, 2016 Dear Todd, I think as an adult there are few things I like less than going places to pay to have things fixed. All things; from bikes, to cars, to pets, to teeth, to bodies. I just want things to not be broken so instead of surgery on a dog's stomach, or a new carborator we can go to ANYWHERE ELSE BUT A REPAIR OFFICE and do ANYTHING ELSE BUT GET "REPAIRED." So yesterday, I went to the "Repair Office of Teeth." They gave me lots of novocaine. Which is great, because no one wants to ever feel anything that sounds like a power drill and makes dust like a power drill billowing out of one's mouth. So they numbed my entire right side. And all I wanted to do was start making Bill Cosby dentist jokes,"I Cabn Feleb My Libbip!"  And then realized that (1) The people in the office may be too young to know the sketch and (2) Cosby is no longer the name you want to drop in any cirucmstance surrounding any form of sedation. Makes yo...

October 4th, 2016 Dear Todd, As the household proclaimed "linear thinker," I have a math problem for you. Or the world's longest run-on sentence... If a woman is awoken at 5:15am by a nightmare of a toxic/sewage smelling snake sliding up the side of her body rapidly encroaching on her breathing, and slowly opens her eyes to look around so as not to startle the snake, only to find that the snake is a pair of size 4 male feet and the toxcitiy is coming from the 70lb farting dog in the bed and thus she slides out discreetly thumping onto the floor and army crawling downstairs as to not disturb anyone else in an attempt to have a cup of coffee by herself only to be followed by the farting dog that proceeds to vomit a 32inch diameter puddle on the living room rug, waking the size 4 feet that rapidly descend to request a peach for breakfast. The sound of the youngest running down the stairs wakes the oldest (who has never woken up on his own before 7am unless it was a Sun...

October 3rd, 2016 Dear Todd, While you were out last night I had a night of grand dependence and ADHD.  What I mean is that during this window of 6-9pm I had not-so-little, little people asking me for things like water and a plate and where to put their dirty clothes, and to proof their English paper, and to read them a story...all things that typically haven fallen under the "I'm a big kid now. I do it all by myself" era that (minus the English paper) started happening around....ooh I dunno.....8 YEARS AGO!? But I digress...so fast forward to us sitting in our queen bed. When I say "us" I mean me, all 3 kids and Petey the Jumbo Dog." You are eating dinner with a good friend at a nice bar out in the world, where people our age live. Not, that I'm complaining. I have my nights out too for sure, but I don't think your nights inside look like mine. I dunno. Could be wrong. Maybe you guys do all pile in one bed, Charlie Bucket style, and corre...

September 30th, 2016 Dear Todd, Let me preface by saying, "I know you were up super late and working hard so my reference to you sleeping while all the things mentioned below happened is not a 'dig.'" BUT While you were sleeping this am between the hrs of 6-9...all this happened.... Got up and put the trash and recycling on the curb. Got the kids up and we all went into the basement and did Yoga...even Petey who eventually had to be kenneled because he kept straddling us and licking our eyeballs. It was very meditative. The kids then ran upstairs and got dressed for school while I let Petey out and fed him while only burning some of the pancakes on the stove. Kids ate, soccer gear was thrown into a bag for later, and I threw on a sweater over my PJ's, swapped out jeans for my bottoms and backed out of the garage with child numero uno. We drove across town discussing the absurdity of the debate the other night and I promptly kicked him to the curb a...

September 29th, 2016 Dear Todd, Our 5th grader is getting ready for her trip to Eco Week; a special 5th grade camping experience that has given her night sweats, hives, and endless questions---determined to be extremely prepared for something she has never done before. As the weeks passed and more and more info was released, she began to get excited...not to go, but to PACK! So we have begun packing...2 weeks in advance. We recently acquired a label-maker, which I have learned is the most fun one can have when packing kids for any "camp" activity. So we jumped in! Endlessly printing out our last name, cutting off individual labels and attaching them to a pink duffel, a purple pillow, pink sunglasses, multi-colored towel and wash cloth. (She is super excited about the group shower scenario, btw. I'm pretty sure that's directly responsible for the night sweats). And as we start applying the labels, our 12.75 yr old has begun printing some of his own.  One proc...

September 28th, 2016 Our dog Petey:  He's sitting in the kennel, with me. Why? Why is he in here with me? Why are we both not out in the great big world? Whether that be our living room, backyard, neighborhood, or dog park. Why are we both in this kennel? We can't even play in here. We can't even sleep comfortably.  And everybody is home.  It's not like you all went out and I climbed in here to take a nap. And he lured me in with a treat. What's his excuse? Why is he in here? WHY?!? What we hear: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! Woof! Awwoooof! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! Me: (upon finding the source of barking and giggling while opening the locked kennel) What the?!? WHY?!?! A: (Laughing still) I don't know.

September 27th, 2016 I just realized that the title of this entry used to mean something TOTALLY different than where I'm headed today. In my 20's...it was a lot of fun. In my 30's...it mostly spoke to loaded diapers on small, sticky bottoms. Now, in my 40's, I'm referring to the act of our eldest child and his younger brother stuffing their pajama bottoms with a large bath towel. Most likely the one they used after showering, 45 minutes later than they were supposed to. Shower. Not stuff their pj's. There really is no appropriate time frame for that. Ever. Anyway, once I no longer heard the sound of water running, I made my way upstairs to reiterate the importance of going to bed almost an hour ago, only to find aggressive Towel-Tush-Twerking. Imagine Kim Kardashian's butt on a scrawny twelve year old boy who has somehow figured out how to....well, to quote, my side-by-side thrusting 9yr old, "Bounce that booty like a basketball." Th...

September 26th, 2016 Dear Todd, While shuttling the kids from soccer, to hip hop, to lunch to fishing I couldn’t help catching the sounds from the back seat of the car. It was a male voice, which did not belong to anyone in our family, ranting about his decisions. I can’t tell you, how lucky I felt to have yet another voice, not one of our 5, blabbing about some sort of nonsense. Cuz really you can never have too many voices in your head. It was coming from our eldest’s Kindle Fire. Me: What are you watching? A: A Bowl of Fruit talking about car soccer. I was scared to ask again. I was afraid that I may have just had a stroke. Or he did. But, I had to ask.  Me: What? A: It’s A Bowl of Fruit talking about car soccer. Just then a kid ran out in front of me on his bike and I hit the brakes, nonchalantly saving his life, causing me to feel even more frustrated with the world and the words coming out of our eldest’s mouth. Me: Oh my God.You have to...

September 22, 2016 Dear Todd, I am writing to tell you that we have a teenager. Rest assurred that in the midst of my own mental deteriation I have not forgotten his birthday. I know that technically, we have another 2 months until his 13th trip around the sun has come to completion...but he is already showing signs. So I have decided to begin documentation. I think it's gonna be a good time, if he can just keep himself alive. And to that effect, I call upon the Gods of Brains with this plea. Oh Mighty Gods Of Wisdom that is Teen, Please put down your iPhone 7's, And all that comes in form of screen. Please look upon those Whom, like a sponge, absorb our changing world But without really thinking, try to process With emotions that come unfurled Let him always choose To look both ways Focus on what he loves And get straight A's? All right, the grades would be An extra perk But, please just let him Understand hard work And let him choose wisely Whe...